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                         January 25, 2002

Single-parent soldiers truly 'Army of One'

WASHINGTON -- Being a sole parent in the military is a lot of things: demanding, difficult, challenging; but the one thing it isn’t is impossible.

For three years as a single mother, I woke up at 4 a.m. to get ready for physical training, dressed and combed the hair of my three girls to make the 5:45 a.m. drop-off for the early morning before-school care.

My life depended on a long list of childcare providers, friends and family to ensure my family care plan was providing constant supervision for my children during frequent deployments and field exercises. I needed reliable care on a stand-by basis.

Most people won’t admit their prejudices against mothers in the military, women in the workforce and sole parents in general. Some believe that single parenthood is a low-class, uneducated, never-been-married, desperate woman’s problem and that these women burden the system with gripes about childcare and special needs.

I offer that both my spouse and I are college-educated and stayed married for more than 10 years. Plus we both were committed to our military professions. But all the positives weren’t enough to keep the marriage together.

Army statistics for 2000 show there are about 36,000 soldiers who are sole parents. Of the women in the Army, 6.8 percent are single parents. About 3.1 percent of the men in the Army are single soldiers who have custodial responsibility for children, according to statistics from the Defense Manpower Data Center.

Nationally in 1998, the U.S. Census Bureau determined that male-headed single families were on the rise, while the number of women-headed families remained constant at about 9.8 million women versus the 2.1 million men at the time.

Because of shrinking budgets and fewer personnel, we all do more with less and that makes old-fashioned ideas that alienate soldiers -- enlisted and commissioned -- unpractical.

As a soldier, my biggest challenge was keeping the special challenges involving my children at home, and out of the workplace. I never wanted the perception to be that I was using my children to get out of 24-hour duty or weekend assignments. Most of my friends were also sole parents and we made it by keeping tight circles. We sometimes even exchanged keys to our homes in case we got the dreaded late-night or early-morning alert call.

Putting all the stereotypes behind us, what all soldiers need most to be successful is unbiased support and guidance through the military’s many programs and services, like those provided by Army Community Services, childcare co-ops, single-parent support groups and parenting classes. Units should encourage soldiers to use the services, as well as other federal and state programs, which may assist with child-care subsidies and lists for state-trained and certified home-care providers.

Every soldier and soldier’s family has the potential to serve as a vital member of a support system that links sole parents and their children to an array of alternate fathers, mothers, cultures and experiences. These things not only serve as a support system, but also as a source of enrichment.

Today, I’m an Army civilian. Nothing has changed. It was hard then and it’s hard now. These days my employment hinges on a mobility agreement and five months of training, during which two of those months I completed a resident course at Fort Meade and couldn’t bring my family.

My 12-hour days at the 25th Infantry Division in Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, were just the beginning of what was to be the rest of my life.

When I accepted the job, the feedback I received was that I should settle into a career that requires fewer obligations, because I should be a mother first, and I am.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that if I could be a sole parent and make it in the military, then I can do anything. Not only have I learned to think ahead and plan for the worst, I also feel that my children have benefited because of the other hard-working soldiers we were surrounded by on a daily basis. My girls have learned the value of independence and self-sufficiency.

No, it’s not an easy road to travel, but it’s certainly possible using the "one Army, one team and one mission" theory with soldiers taking care of soldiers.

Editor’s note: Denver Beaulieu-Hains is preparing accompanying news-feature articles on sole parenting that will soon be posted by ARNEWS.